For some reason I traveled into the past last night. In my time of Internet life, I have been many things. I started as a simple emailer and then I skulked around Usenet. Email was the main thing for a bit. Being poor I had to get by on just dialing up once a day and if I wanted to get on the Internet I used a Library computer. Somewhere along the way I became a comic book reviewer and then a columnist. I had to email my reviews and stuff for a long while. Then I got a bit fed up and I was allowed to have access to upload my stuff once I was taught how. Low and behold after a bit I was being sent free comics and Black & White advance copies. It was nice and cool.
I then found Blogger and decided to take my hobby love into my own hands. I started doing my own comic book stuff and I was also talking about life. All the while I was toying with a Blog that would be devoted to just comics and one devoted to just stuff I created for my profession to share with others in my place to help as I was helped through Magazines. That is when I learned I lived in a life that was not for me I guess. For all my smarts I made stupid mistakes. One being the idea that we are all equal under the Creator of the Universe and that those who walk in Light live by the same codes of conduct. I never saw the ax fall into my back until I was bleeding out.
In terms we can understand here, some force beyond me decided to protect me and use me. I struggled and my very being was torn asunder. Every time I felt like I had beaten back the Darkness it came back harder and tried to swallow me. The force of Darkness was no match for the Protector's Light, but each attack weakened me. I began to sense the need to follow my Creator's whispers and retreat. I felt like I had lost something precious, but it also freed me somehow.
The trouble with freedom is that you have to stand alone and walk alone at times. In this wilderness the weakness that had become my life exploded. I am so glad my Creator never gave up or left me, even as I lost faith in the abilities that were gifts from them. People had been sent to me. They were not with me in a physical sense, yet the way they were beside me was enough to bind me to the solid ground while all other ground sank into Darkness. Even in my "defeat" by those that were constantly attacking, I was not left alone. I see that I was in the middle of a struggle between people. The focus of their personal agendas and hatred centered on me and I am assured that nothing less than my total destruction awaited me.
I know this sounds strange, but I understand now clearly why the ancient writers decided to cloak their words in term that seemed to be a code. I see how a young man was told by his mentor to be aware of the people the young man served. For while he poured himself out to ensure the Creator's Light shone upon them, there were those intent on controlling the Light for their own selfish reasons. It is in learning this I have lost my Faith, not in the Creator, but in myself and the compassion of Humanity.
Life is swirling around me now. I know mentally what I must do to break free and live, but I have no desire to do so. I am drowning some days. I drown in a sea of darkness and despair. My own inner spark works some days to keep me afloat. Some days it is the actions of others, Angels of a nature most unconventional that hold my form and keep me from sinking. Seeing my past brought great sadness, A sense of great loss.
I still have anger. I wish I did not. I know the Creator asks me not to hate them. It is so hard not to hate them. I feel betrayed. I feel stupid. I feel blindsided. I feel empty and alone. I told you when things get bleak I read Alpha Flight. I guess because up to almost the end of the run I feel like them. I feel tossed and then betrayed by those I never did anything to but try and serve. I relate to that story. I get the ideal of fighting to protect those that even while I stand in the gap are trying to kill me behind my back. Yet I stood there. What did I earn? I know the answer, in my heart. The thing is you can't buy medicine or food or even rent a DVD on that payment.
Do you realize that in the make up of Alpha Flight one can find the emotions of a person? There are all kinds of a person's aspect in each member and their personality make up. When those parts fuse together into a functioning team, no force ever defeated them. Every now and again they were bloodied and knocked down, but they dug down deep and they found that inner fire and the Light defeated the Darkness. I am digging........